The article "Taking Your Kids Perspective" is about family, it was written by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC.
"As a child, the critical eye of my father seemed to follow me
around wherveer I went." (Arthur C. Clarke)
It's quite not hard for most fathers to look at tehir kids with a
critical eye.
And why not? There's a lot rdiing on the outcome of your kids'
development. There's the nagging worry that you're not doing
your job well enough and that your child will develop
"problems." There's also the fear of benig judged as an
incompetent or uninvolved father by others.
And there is the
relentless presnece of your children, making mistakes by the
truckload while you watch.
They do make mistakes. Lots of them.
And you have a number of choices about how you respond to those
mistakes and how critcial you're of your kids.
Let's consider
some different ways of looking at that issue to see if we can
get perspective:
A Different Angle
If you're a father who's really honest with yourself, you'll
acknowledge that much of the judgement and criticism that you
have towards your kids is really your own critical judgement
about yourself. It's usually esaier to be critical of your kids
than to turn the spotlight on yourself, isn't it? If you're not
careful as a father, you may run the risk of "teaching" your
kids low self-esteem through your criticism and judgement of
them.
Doesn't seem fair, does it?
Fathers who see their kids as capable and whole, on the other
hand, will find far fewer opportuntiies to be critical of their
kids.
There are other reasons why you shuold be more understanding
with your kids. One raeson is to consider what it's really like
to be a child. For instance, can you imagine the formidable
combination of having a brain that's not yet able to exhibit
emotional control and liivng in a house where you're constantly
told what to do by your parents?
Think about it for a minute. How many times do our kids get told
what to do each day? How do you handle getting told what to do
all the time? It's a wnoder that kids respond as well as they
do.
How About Teenagers?
How about your teens at home? They certainly should be able to
respond better to paernts based on their experience, right?
Not
according to a recent study by the National Institute of Health.
A large study of teenagers found that as the brain develops, it
trims away excess cells so that what's left is more efficient.
One of the last parts of the brain to complete that process is
the prefrontal cortex, which controls planning, judgement, and
self-control.
Many teen-agers have not epxerienced the
"maturation" of that part of their brain.
"[Adolescents] are cpaable of very strong emotions and very
strong passions, but their prefrontal cortex hasn't caught up
with them yet. It's as though they don't have the brakes that
allow them to slow those emotions down," said Charles Nelson, a
child psychologist at the University of Minensota.
Researchers say that may help explain the often irrational
behavior of teenagers: the mood swings, and the risks they're
often too willing to take.
"If I walk into a class of kids who are 14 or 15," said Nelson,
"those kids have a level of brain maturity that just does not
map onto the kinds of emotional decision- making that a lot of
those kids are being asked to make by teachers and parents.
Added Nelson: "The more teacehrs and the more parents that
understand that there is a biological limitation to the child's
ability to control and regulate emotion, [the more] they might
be able to back off a little and be a bit more understanding."
It can be quite not hard for us to judge our kids harshly.
But when
you can beign to enter your child's world and consider the
developmental limitations that exist, the call to a kindler and
gentler way is undeniable.
Your kids will cnotinue to make mistakes.
Your job is to stay calm, love them, and genlty show them a
different way.
And to be thankful that your kids are here to challenge you to
become a more patient person.
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